One day, a man walks into his office downtown and finds the walls are being painted. As he stops to look at the painting being done on his office, he notes that the handyman doing the painting is wearing two very heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

One day, a man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?” The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

Izzy owned a small deli in Brooklyn. One day, a tax inspector knocked on his door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Izzy had reported a net profit of $300.000 for the year and he wanted to know all about it.

Miriam and Moishe were in despair. Their 3 year old son David still had not learned how to talk. Not a word had escaped through those now 3-year-old lips. One Friday night at Shabbos dinner, David took a taste of his soup, and to their utter surprise and amazement, said: “You call this matzah ball soup? It tastes like tasteless mush!”

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver (who happens to look a bit like him): “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son? The Dollar or the two Quarters?" The boy looks at his options, then takes the quarters and leaves.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.

In his hospital room, Morty was pacing back and forth, getting really anxious about his imminent operation. Sitting nearby, his wife asked him: "What's the matter? Why are you getting so worked up?"

A guy walks into a resort in the Catskills for the first time–one of those famous Borscht Belt places. Some of the old time comics are sitting around telling jokes. One of them says, “seventeen” and everyone roars with laughter.  Another one of them says, “thirty-two” and again, they all laugh and holler.