Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, starts this evening. Unlike January 1st, which is filled with merrymaking and parties, Rosh Hashanah is a time for introspection, and purifying one’s soul, In conjunction with this is the custom of Tashlich, where people take crumbs and throw them into a river or other body of water to symbolize throwing away one’s sins and starting the new year fresh.
However, times have changed…
Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, consider these options this year for Rosh Hashanah:
For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Bread that’s fresh
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For jingoism,Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat
Remember, you don’t have to show your crumbs to anyone.